What was the moment your Heroine broke out?
I didn’t know she was in me.
Until I got really low.
I was sprawled out on my living room floor. Then, taking in a huge breath, I screamed with a super belligerent force into the ethers of the heavens above me blurting out: — “God, if it all goes away, what is left?”
I was desperate, beyond my wits for relief.
Frustrated to the max , stuck big-time, and at my rope’s end for how to ‘do’ my life, it was in a big hot mess.
I could burst into tears or burst into pleading for something new. I didn’t even know what the ‘something’ was just then — it was just something that was more than I could find inside of me to help.
I thought I was stranded, in this moment. OMG, I was smart, determined and good at getting myself out of messes and onto making things happen; but it wasn’t working now. My gut was wrenching; and if I was to survive, then I needed some assistance here.
Why was I here? Up against something that seemed bigger than me, why?
I screamed louder the next time into the unknown — hoping something more knowing would have any answer for me.
I won’t tell you now what explicatives I used, the four letter kind, but trust me many words were invoked in my pleadings.
I was flailing and withering between what I wanted in life, and what life was dishing up to me. I saw myself as a capable, prosperous, deserving woman because I had worked hard — and what I was getting I was calling failure, dead-end and ruin. My life appeared to be tanking, and I was headed into the abyss. Disaster, life up in smoke, cliff hanger, catastrophe, too many fires burning — heartbreak.
I screamed again, “God, if it all goes away, what is left?”
Disaster was spawning my education. It had me in the grip, and had my attention that I might, just might this time, let something new sneak into my bigger picture.
The answer that I got back — you do get an answer when you ask — was mind-blowing for me!
It rocked my world and forever changed me. I’d crashed into the wall with all my expertise, smarts, knowingness, sophistication — all that I brought of me — and the wall made it clear to me that with all of this, I was up against it. And, I was really missing something.
But I’d fashioned myself in the most excellent way that I knew how — so why, pray tell, was I here in this moment pleading? I’d been blind to the answer.
Then I heard it.
And, it knocked me out of my own way.
A booming voice, one that shocked me, belted back to my question of ‘If it all goes away God, what is left?”
“Joan”, it proclaimed: “Joan, what is left is YOU!”
Surprisingly, I immediately thought: “That’s really good enough”! Eureka!
I got such a blessing in the moment I heard the answer — I got what was enough — I was enough. I had quite simply been designed that way.
I was the marathon runner who was out in front in the big race, got jilted and took a horrible fall onto the track — and then, get up or give up? What’s the stuff inside of me?
And, knocked so low, I realized something so important.
What was left was me. And I shouted back: “that’s good enough!” “I have me!”
It was the Heroine inside of me.
In that very instant here’s what the Heroine in me did: Claimed my Self-Worth, and an intense sense of gratitude.
As long as I had me, I could be life. In all that I had been doing, in complicating my life, I had lost the essence of me. I had been making life too complicated.
You too, does this ring with you?
My real anguish was that I desperately wanted joy and peace that seemed lost to me, that had been robbed from my life. That part that’s what makes me happy, what brings my creativity out, what inspires my love. Because I’d been trying to do it for everyone else — I’d gotten caught up in what I thought that I should be, do, have to be successful.
“Her whole life changed the day she started to tell the truth about what makes her happy — I never knew it could be that simple.” — Simple Truth.
My heart blossomed.
Me and Me, we could unite. I’d gotten the answer. I got clarification in that monumental instant for claiming my Self-Worth and embracing my gratitude.
And, there’s more to the Story.
I’m very visual. Ideas and understandings come to me in pictures.
I understand this to be ‘bigger vision’ guidance. These visions stick in my mind and tell me a story that is so much more sensual and useful than words can be — they guide me. I got one of those immediate mental pictures after my raging question.
I was suddenly seeing myself sitting on a huge — I mean huge, huge — big white painter’s canvas. I was quite small in the middle of the canvas. The kind of canvas that is stretched taut around a wooden frame (my life). The whole canvas was stark white.
This vision brought a joyful feeling that swept over me. I pictured myself sitting on a little wooden stool (the kind with the white top and blonde legs) right in the center. I had this moment of looking around. And what I saw too was that I had four or five paint brushes (big ones) in my right hand that were gleefully glistening. And there were paints under-foot too.
I was flooded with an immense sense of freedom. Freedom that I had a blank canvas, and that I could now paint it as I wished. This seemed like an enormous gift to me. A dynamic flip of emotion to the realization of the gift that had been introduced into my life — by the sudden big disruption in my life.
I’d certainly painted my life before, but now, happily — there was an opportunity to paint anew.
I could create, design, envision and paint up a life I could love. It could be very different than the life of struggle I’d been in. I could let it go, and start painting this new fresh canvas.
And, I distinctly got that this time, it would be different — the way I would paint my life would be different. Because I was different. I owned my Self-Worth now. The Heroine in me heralded my life.
With this new plan, I looked at my whole world differently.
The lesson that I learned was the one thing that gave me the ‘how to’ to changed into the direction that I wanted to go. It was the way of progress — to take me from grasping and struggling to survive — to the fullness, love and prosperity that I really truly longed for.
The piece I’d been missing was my Self-Worth. All the accomplishments, money, opportunity — even accolades — couldn’t cover up that I wasn’t rooted in my own power and being of the goodness, strength and worth I am.
That I’d been perfectly created, and complete all along. That the Heroine was really in me. That I had a life to do, a purpose for being here and more inside me than I had known before.
It wasn’t all a disaster, as I was labeling my life before — in fact, it had taken all of the events and circumstances to awaken me to the gift of what was inside me. There was more in me that was longing to come forth than my small concept of me previously understood.
And, my happiness counted.
As I look back on what happened now — honestly, I am truly thankful. It shifted my world. I got a redo — but this time from the perspective of embracing me.
That’s when the adventure started.
When the Heroine arose in me, there was so much more that was possible in my life.
So much more is possible for your life — when the Heroine arises in you!
Thank you so much for reading my Story! I hope that you’ll leave me a comment and say how you’ve grown.
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Journey Onward, Joan